so…. I don’t really think anyone’s reading this. I’m writing it for myself. When I got this tumblr for a class last spring I wanted to use it as a journal to write about life. Well that isn’t what it has been BUT I’m ready to start doing that. I normally write stuff like this on a note on on itouch, but I don’t HAVE my itouch right now, so this is the best alternative.
So lets talk about life.
I just saw perks of being a wall flower and OMG, I died. Like, fuck, how can a movie be so good! and human! and beautiful! and just almost want to make you cry. Like, goddam, so wonderful!
god, so this movie is about a kid. Just a kid. it’s high school. he’s the unpopular kid, gets picked on and shit. but it’s not unrealistic like what most trashy tv shows and movies make high school out to be. and this kid is just so good, and kind.
and he’s smart and a great writer. I wish I could have had the relationship he had with his english teacher when I was in high school. This kid just kept reading and reading books. Like he’d do his homework, and then his teacher would give him extra books and papers to write because this kid wanted to. Like, Daamn, I wish I could have done that. Like seriously, just read great literature all the time and learn about life and love and wonder. I chose music, but if I had to do something different, picking to read excellent literature all the time and become a writer of future fantastic classics about life and work closely with a great teacher would definitely be a top 5 pick.
so this is just gonna be a ramble…. get ready…. to the no one who’s reading lol
This kid doesn’t have friends. but then he somehow finds himself in a group of misfits. who love him. and accept him. and enjoy his existence! they are glad he exists! isn’t that wonderful!? and because of some happenstance, he has found beautiful people to be friends with. and ya know? that’s just how life works.
And it’s beautiful. God, you just love your friends. And being with them, and their existence. and sometimes maybe you wonder what it would be like to have other friends, different friends. but ya know? why? why give up the beautiful thing you have with these wonderful people? because you deserve them, and they deserve you and life is better and more fun and perfect when you are with them. and isn’t that just a great, astonishing and beautiful thing? yes. I sure think so.
You just go over to their house, or out to eat, or drive, or whatever, but for a moment, you are with people you love, and for a moment, everything is perfect. And you aren’t perfect, and they aren’t perfect and maybe life is falling apart. but it’s ok, and for this moment, it’s perfect, and your life is fulfilled and you’re just a cup that is brimming over with joy and love and you can’t get over how wonderful these people and times are.
That’s what this kid found, and I’m glad I have this too.
And then it brings me to the next thing.
"And there are people who forget what it’s like to be 16 when they turn 17. I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We’ll all become somebody’s mom or dad. But right now these moments are not stories. This is happening, I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment I swear, we are infinite."
this quote is the last thing in the movie. and it is so real, and I can’t believe it is real because it basically embodies all my feelings that I can’t express but feel constantly, especially when I’m with my friends. Because THIS IIIIIISSSSSS HAPPENING! Right now! it’s fucking real! And we EXIST! and Life is GOOD! and oh my god it’s it beautiful that this is the case!? That I can think, and therefore I am!? Yes it is beautiful!
And I know that yes, one day these moments will be but memories, long since passed, and long since important. But it’s moments like these that make me feel most alive, because yes! this is fucking happening right now and isn’t it the most wonderful thing ever!? and everyone has to grow up. everyone has to get old and everyone dies. But isn’t it comforting that we can look back on precious moments that are good and so wonderful and full of love that you want to cry and say to yourself “yes, I have had a good life, and it is full of wonderful people and wonderful experiences, and I am glad I am alive to experience this joy and this love”. Because it all must pass. Life ends. people die. and time moves on, and we are forgotten in it’s wake. But Fuck, IT MATTERS! It MATTERS that I was alive In THAT MOMENT IN TIME with THOSE people doing THAT thing! because this is my life and I get to make of it what I will regardless of what others say! And when the time comes for me to die, whether I’m 100 years old on a deathbed surrounded by loved ones, or coming home from a night that I hope years from now I can look back on with a feeling of infinince and love and am lost suddenly, I can say that I have had a good life, a wonderful life, a beautiful life full of LOVE,……and can move on, to whatever may come next
and in this moment I swear we are infinite
so beautiful. I hope you’ve been able in your life to watch a movie, or listen to great music, or experience something beautiful and says, I am part of something bigger than myself right now, and I feel almost out-of-body and know that some day, this will be important to me.
I already said, time goes by, and it tacks and ticks and ticks, and it goes on solemnly for eternity, indifferent to our pleas of slowing down (because the universe is absurd, but we are stuck here inside it). And life may suck at times, and all may be lost, but we have had damn good wonderful experiences of love and joy that time can take away from us as it moves forward, but will remain forever in our memories, and that gives me a whole damn lot of hope and joy, because it means that I have found something to give my life meaning and something to live for (oh, how existential I am)
It’s nostalgia. God, nostalgia is for old people and I’m not even 20. I get nostalgic so easily. Because life is so wonderful and beautiful, and I am so thoroughly aware of the fact that my life is the sand in an hourglass, slowly slipping away. I’m not afraid of death. But I’m nostalgic because I know life goes so quickly and it’s so beautiful that it’s sad that we are only here for such a short time, to live and to laugh and to love and to experience this wonderful thing with other people who are on the same journey of life.
People are beautiful. and wonderful. And I’m nostalgic. I miss high school. I don’t want to return. That chapter of my life has ended. But can’t I still miss the people from my senior year spectrum and philosophy class? Can’t they still be important to me. I called them my happy thought, the thing that made me joyful my senior year. I believe it’s still true. Has that time ended? yes. Time has taken that part of my life away from me.
But my memory is as good as ever. And I still Love those people, and care about them and miss them in a very romanticized way. Will I ever see them again? Will things ever be the same? I don’t know, but that doesn’t change that I had an infinite experience of love with them that I can look back on and say “yes, it is good”.
St Paul. My home. I love going home when I’m at school. I love st Paul. Why? many reasons.
Legitimately, I love st paul. It’s the perfect city. So residential, but so many places to go! Grand, highland, randolph, snelling, lexington, summit, edgcumbe, highland pool, cdh, target, como, mac groveland, the state fair, james ave, the ice cream man……..
It is the CITY. it isn’t northfield. there are people and excitement and I love it and it’s music scene and MPR and local and the arts and I love that Minneapolis is right across the river. OMG I just love it so much! I can’t even contain myself
And it’s also home. It’s where I grew up. And this is where it gets nostalgic. I’m sure my nostalgia stems from getting older. Not me getting older, the IDEA of getting older. You lose so much as you get older. The magic of childhood. Fun, friends, no responsibility. Growing up means getting older, jobs, worries. I’m not afraid to grow up, just like I don’t fear death. But it really forces you to think back on your childhood and remember the good old days, and when there was still magic in the world. And I think st paul represents not only an actual love of a city, but an extension of my childhood. Innocence that has been lost, magic that is now gone. Life when it was easy. Coming of age stories and themes and ideas always get me, because it’s all just nostalgia and recognizing that the world isn’t perfect and that everything you thought isn’t as it seems. And coming of age erases a lot of the magic out of life sometimes.
And then thats why we have our infinite moments. Because they are full of love and beauty and remind us of something bigger and more powerful than us.
I don’t know, I think that’s all for now. ttfn